How to Suckceed On the Internet and Stuff

Every day people ask me, "Keith, how is it you're so cool and awesome and hunky?" Until now I have been hesitant to share my secret of suckcess because of my intent to sell people on how to sell people on how to sell people on being suckcessful. My plan regarding going full-on Tony Robbins with a dash of Amway is nearly complete and I can share some of my secrets now with the hopes that you'll randomly drop coin in my American Dream Wishing Well. In the near future, I will travel around this great country of ours delivering motivational speeches at corporate offices introducing my official seminar, Suckcess 101. Let me explain.

Cheesy Stock Image

Suckcess 101 is a program I developed after years of meticulous research performed with Google and tequila. I have found the true path to success isn't in giving. Giving is for losers who refuse to support people with drive and ambition, like me. These so-called "givers" throw their money down the toilet every day by forking over wads of cash to charities and even their own children. The real secret of success is to SUCK the very life from everyone around you. So instead of success, you need to achieve "suckcess".

Below is my list of ten things you need to know to suckceed on the Internet. It's a little preview into my Suckcess 101 seminar and naturally, you're welcome.

1. Twisted Lister

First and foremost is you must create lists for everything you can think of. Everybody knows MTV rotted intellectual culture a long time ago and the average American is dumber than Nina Blackwood's pet rock. If you don't spoon feed people with bite-sized lists, you might as well attend a Lord of the Rings Elvish language meetup wearing your best command HIp and speaking Klingon. Every time you write a blog article, make sure it starts with the number of ways you're going to insult your readers' intelligence. Hey, they can't say they didn't see it coming.

2. Be LOL Cutesy

When writing email, chatting, or letting your Facebook friends know when you are napping, keep this in mind: LOL Speak is the new baby talk. U cn haz mpakt on ur peeps & tweeps by just mixin teh lang, yo. This technique will really get you noticed if you're over 35, and nobody ever tires of reading "teh internets".  Good times.

3. Clichés Aren't Just for Breakfast Anymore

By and large you can break the ice with clichés. They roll off the tongue and you can mark my words that good writing is stuffed to the gills with clichés.

4. Reinvent Your Douchy Imaginary Title

One sure way to collect followers like a summer marsh attracts gnats is to come up with a better douchy imaginary job title than everyone else. Here are some examples: Thought Leader, Conversation Catalyst, Progressive Thinker, Web 10.1 Guru, Underlying Thought Expert, Process Improvement Psychologist, Useless Consulting Strap-On, and Second Coming Know-It-All, to name a few. The point is that if you have read this far and you think teh internets were made just so you can gouge the ignorant, then you must have a douchy imaginary title that sets you apart from the other douches.

5. Stalk the Talk

Especially with Twitter, you cannot suckceed just online. You have to be an ass in person. Fortunately, you can because some marks are foolish enough to update tweets with their actual real world location. With your iPhone, Google Maps, and some extra gas money, you can triangulate your targets and visit them where they live. First perfected by Jehovah Witnesses and short-sleeved Mormons, home visits can increase your level of suck to new vacuum pressures.

6. Turn "Effort" Into a Verb

Just effort to do it often.

7. Endlessly Tweet Marketing News

So you've signed up for Twitter and you aren't sure you have enough to say? Don't worry, there are suckateering rules for that too. First of all, automate everything you do on Twitter. Load your autofollow utilities with every dictionary word and follow everybody. Yes, follow the whole Twitter. Next use your Twitter tools to auto-post news from every PR and marketing news site on the Web. People cannot get enough PR and marketing news, no matter what profession they're in. If you want to branch out to also cover tech news and social media news, make sure you only include reports written by and for the PR industry so there isn't any confusion as to what you're all about. Otherwise you'll end up as somebody's tech support bitch and you don't have enough time to not make money.

8. RT and Follow Friday Fun

On Twitter, it's very important to include in every tweet "RT this" with an optional please. Getting RTs turns your followers into your minions. Another form of enslavement is called Follow Friday. To participate you load your entire list of people you think you follow and add the #ff hash tag and you're off and running. After several hundred tweets, all of your followers have nothing but your list of Follow Friday mentions in their stream and then feel obligated to return the favor so you don't chastise them on Public Humiliation Saturday. Everybody wins.

9. Turn Facebook Into All About You

So while everybody on Facebook has been connecting with high school friends and passing list memes, you're busting ass trying to make a buck. It's time they know it. Create yourself a fan page on Facebook and start spamming the crap out of people on Twitter to become your fans. The best way to do this is to promise some sort of reward. I suggest you give away a Mac Book Pro because everybody wants one. (You don't really have to actually give one away. I'm pretty sure nobody expects to win one and you can always say you gave it to one of your other 112 Twitter names.) If you have friends on Facebook, keep sending them requests to become fans even if they ignore it. Odds are they will eventually become a fan to shut your ass up. Again, everybody wins.

10. It's All About the Numbers

Finally, if you have followed my advice, then you have over 4,500,000,000,000 followers on Twitter and your site visitors continually crash the East Coast power grids. You have to figure out a way to shake everyone down for a buck. Your best bet is ask all of your follows for $100 to have you get offline permanently. But really how you get money from these people is your own damn problem.

So that's a preview of my Suckcess 101 seminar. I will probably have materials you can only find all over the internet, but printed out and crammed into 3-ring binders. I will also have some kind of PowerPoint presentation that I'll read in front of you so you feel like you got something for your money.

Please note: I own the stock image in this article. I intentionally wanted the watermark in there to support  the douche baggery promoted. This work is satire as I would never ever use 3-ring binders in my seminar. That's just too much damn work.

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