I had to take a sabbatical from writing. It was longer than I intended and certainly not meant to be permanent. But I needed it. In fact my sabbatical extended out to more than just this site.
It all began with my super secret start-up company. I had been working for about two years on this venture and I thought it was going somewhere. However, reality took a huge bite out of my hide. While we were meeting regularly and discussing potential investors, sales strategies, prospective customers, and even office space, my bills kept rolling in and my family life suffered.
I had a mental breakdown of sorts. Not like a dramatic Joan Crawford, straight-jacket, mouth-frothing fall out. It was introverted and full of doubts and indecision. By the time I had realized what was happening, the damage was done. The good part of this was I realized I was in a different place than the company CEO. Without a wife and children, he can take risks and afford to lose much more than I. And I knew that two years ago, but I kept thinking there was investment capital around the corner. Each week I would hear from the CEO "it's going to be next week" at the same time collection agencies mounted a telephone offensive. I held off getting full-time employment and tried to live on contracts until the company was funded enough to pay a salary for me. Obviously, this didn't happen. I spent nearly two years without decent medical coverage, for example. My out-of-pocket medical expenses were astronomical and self-employed individuals pay a lot of money for coverage and still have to pay through the nose for prescriptions, lab visits, and tests. At one point, we thought one of my kids had a blood disease. Imagine how many tests and visits are involved in ruling something like that out. We are still paying for many of our medical issues from that time period.
The bad part of this was that I should have realized long ago that I'm not in my 20s and I can't live with my parents while I'm waiting on my dreams to get funded. I was too timid in the 1990s to start my own venture and cash in on the confetti of investment money being thrown around at every good idea. My own self-doubt kept me looking for safety when risk was possible. Then I ended up taking risks when I had a family.
I took a long-term contract with a telecom company and ended up with a good offer and benefits. The breakup between myself and my super secret start-up was not pretty. There was bitterness on both sides, probably enough to keep friendships from healing and enough to make sure that I'm not involved with any of the company's future successes. I do wish the company succeeds, but I will watch it from a distance.
It's not easy realizing I can't do something. I've always had a hard time with it. I come by it honestly from a family of hard-working small business owners. My grandfather is the epitome of the hard-working American dream. He started out with a dump truck and built a reputable construction company. In a way, I feel I've let him down, maybe my whole family. My wife told me I was in an impossible situation working during the day to pay bills and then trying to come home and be both a father and contribute to this business. I still don't see it that way since there are people who do it every day, or at least that's what business magazines will have you believe. I haven't read many articles profiling successful entrepreneurs' broken families, ruined credit, depression, and suffering health. A friend of mine told me that she watch many ad agencies try to start up and the toll it took on families. She said the successful agencies made it off the ground, but the founders ended up divorced almost every time. Knowing all of that, it still stings when I think that maybe, just maybe, I could have pulled it off like some kind of magazine cover super entrepreneur.
The CEO told me the definition of an entrepreneur is somebody who will climb Mount Everest, even when his wife and kids are begging him not to. This hit me especially hard because it revealed his lack of understanding about having a family and it also was a message to me that I'm not an entrepreneur, or at least what he considers an entrepreneur. I spent a couple of months reeling from his evaluation of my entrepreneurial spirit. But my wife called me a couple of weeks ago and said, "Here is why I love your company." She proceeded to tell me that my oldest daughter was able to get $400 worth of glasses for only $25. My benefits are excellent and I get cool perks.
I may be a cog in a large corporate machine and I may not ever make millions. However, I've learned a lot about myself and how difficult it is to start a business. I respect those who can pull it off without destroying who they are. As for the company, it seems to be where it was when I left, but with a somewhat more developed product. I hope they do well. As for me, there are other places to visit than Mount Everest.
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Unrest by Parkway Drive