In Which I Welcome My FTC Overlords

Dear FTC:

I appreciate the time you've taken to visit my blog. Please feel welcome to look around. I've been waiting for you guys to finally notice my blog, or really anybody for that matter. My daily site visits average between 25 and -19. It feels so good to finally have some bigwig from the government visit my site. It's like a breath of freshness since I can't even get my own mother to open the site.

So I've read a little about you guys and your new rules for bloggers. I've tried my best to always blog in accordance to my own ambiguous set of ethics. This includes having mealy-mouthed opinions, no comments, and content that would put tweaked meth freaks asleep.

Please notice I have no advertising on this site. I tried adwords a while back and discovered it was embarrassing to only run ads for lonely geek loser dating sites next to every, single, flipping article, regardless of the topic. My attempts to solicit more lucrative ads directly from one advertiser only resulted in my kidnapping by Nigerians. I think I misunderstood their whole currency exchange program. That kind of banking is really complicated and guns make me uncomfortable. And don't get me started on the Russians.

From what I understand, you want some kind of disclosure. In the past I have been given music, books, and software to review. The total value of these is around $3500 since my blog first appeared in 2004. Unfortunately, my blog hosting, all other software, and both server and home hardware I use to keep my dream alive has cost me $714,398.47. Hopefully you can get me some other readers so I can start monetizing this thing. My goal is to have enough of a readership by 2035 to get a sponsorship that isn't blocked by parental software. Tell all your agent friends.

I am a little concerned about your rule that opinions can't change. How can I keep up with public sentiment if you expect me to have strong, unmovable opinions? Our country was founded on a great tradition of journalistic wishy-washiness. Now I'm just a blogger without the moral integrity of Keith Olberman or Sean Hannity, but I will say that I fully plan on having strong opinions on various topics until such time those opinions are challenged by somebody else and I relent. Is that okay? If you want me to change that policy just spell it out. I have no problems doing whatever you guys say. Really. Seriously. Do you have ghost writers available? That would really help.

One final request: can you guys at the FTC "leak" to the news something about investigating my site? It would really give my site that extra publicity it needs to make it out of this trailer park. I'm ready to be interviewed by local news where I can go on an anti-government tirade for at least three minutes without breathing. I'll even lay my Arkansas accent on really thick so people will immediately sympathize with the FTC. It's win-win.

I feel honored the FTC is so interested in my little blog.  Please feel free to let me know how I can serve you and the interests of the federal government without regard for any of my remaining freedoms.

Sincerely,

Citizen #70145778352813322904