The Facebook Whisperer

: Image by TheTruthAbout… via Flickr

Gosh, I remember when I first got Facebook. It was so little and cute. It had big, round, watery anime eyes and just begged for attention. I would play with Facebook for hours and not once did I have to water a crop or make flair. Like everything else, Facebook isn't so cute anymore now that it's grown up.

First of all it keeps wanting out of the yard with my dirty laundry in its mouth. I've set up all of the fences and thought I had every hole covered with a checkbox. I turn around and the damn thing has dug another hole. Some of these holes are where anybody can see in. So now I have to check the yard nearly every day to make sure Facebook didn't go and start plowing under the fence.

Lately I noticed that all of the training time I put into Facebook has gone out the Windows. It keeps changing how it looks to me. I thought I understood what it wanted and how to get it to do tricks. Then one day, bam! Facebook had gone and changed its appearance, but in a completely non-consistent way. I was totally lost when we started to play. I thought one thing and it took me somewhere else. I learned the hard way that I had to keep going home and starting over just to get Facebook to behave like I wanted. For example, when we played "fan page", Facebook would only play if we started from home.

I will admit, if you get a Facebook, it's much nicer than a MySpace, which is a terrible investment. All the MySpaces I've had experience with were unruly, untrainable, and could not be housebroken. Some MySpaces are so horsey they can't even fit in a netbook and reek of talentless band urine. You can't do much with Myspaces other than tolerate them for what little they offer.

Facebooks have much more potential. It's why it's so disappointing when they crap all over your feed. Taming them in the ways of the feed is time consuming. I spent hours blocking unwanted behaviors only to have Facebook offer me virtual flowers and Russian singles. It doesn't know when to stop.

The worst Facebook behavior is wallet chewing. It really wants at my wallet. Just when I think I have it under control, I'll catch it trying another way to get to it. And it's not just straight wallet snatching either. It's subversive. You won't catch it in the act but hear about it on the news.

Every Facebook owner should know the following risks:

Facebook can turn on its owner at any time. It also cannot be killed by ordinary means. Always keep this in mind when playing with it out in the open.
Facebook is prone to spreading diseases. If you play lots of games with Facebook, don't be surprised when your Facebook catches some sort of virus. I recommend regular dipping in new passwords.
If you do like to play lots of games with Facebook, don't be surprised when your friends start ignoring you. Not everyone thinks a Facebook is cute.
Never, ever, let Facebook on the couch. It will never get out of the ass-groove.

Good luck with your own Facebook. Remember there are no bad Facebooks, only stupid people.