Me versus CapitalOne

I swear to the best of my memory this is the conversation I had with CapitalOne this morning:

Phone: [Unknown Name, Unknown Number] Ring, Ring

Me (oblivious to caller-ID): Hello

Capital One Rep: [Silence and Clicking]

Me (stupidly): Hello?

Capital One Rep: [More clicking then the sounds of a sweat farm call center in the background] Yes, may I speak with Julie please?

Me: Who is this?

CapitalOne Rep: This is [name removed since I can't remember it] from Capital One.

Me: What is this regarding?

CapitalOne Rep: This is Capital One, I would l like to speak with Julie because I have informary for her.

Me: Infomary?

CapitalOne Rep [now with apparent disgust]: I said information!

Me: Information? Like sales information?

CapitalOne Rep: This is not a sales call.

Me: But you're calling us. It must be a sales call.

CapitalOne Rep: This. Is. Not. A. Sales. Call.

Me. Well, go ahead and remove us from your sales list.

Capital One Rep [taking her balls and going home]: Fine! But she will not get anymore information from us!

Phone: [Click]

Dear CapitalOne "Bank":

My wife was actually available to take a call from you this morning. As it turns out both of us are very interested in any infomary or information you have regarding our accounts. However, it is confusing to us as to what "information" we would need as you have an extensive website we can access for account balances and the latest interest rates you have shoved up our asses. I can only assume the "information" you were calling us about was of such a secret nature and so important  you can't risk making it available on said website.

As to the nature of the information, I would like very much for you to go ahead and send us the off-shore account number via registered mail as I don't trust the phone system these days. We need the account number, the amount you're putting in millions, and the safe word or whatever you guys are calling it these days.

On the other hand, if the "information" you were trying to get to my wife this morning wasn't about the millions you want to deposit in our off-shore land of milk and honey, I can only assume it was a sales call.

Certainly with all of the latest banking shenanigans going on, you wouldn't use the English language as a way to trick somebody into hearing a sales pitch would you? Flat out denying it's a sales call and using "passing along information" left me feeling very duck-flies-at-midnight.  So I heavily recommend you train your sales people to be straightforward when calling or give up this stupid telemarketing shit already. You've already got our 30% interest and deed to our first born. What else could you want from us?

Sincerely,

MK Anderson

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