Listicle: How To Fit In at Big Meetups

Photo Courtesy of Fred Beecher at SXSW

So you thought you graduated high school went on to college and live in the real world. Unfortunately high school actually was preparation for the real world. Adults are nothing more than grown-up versions of everyone you hated back then. It used to be it hidden by social norms. At least ten or twenty years ago people pretended to be what we all thought adults should be. But thanks to social media, big events, perpetual networking, and the complete disregard for manners, pretending to be an adult is so last century.

I've prepared a listicle for those of you who only read blog articles if they contain lists that you can eat and poop like Chicken McNuggets. In this list I will tell you everything you need to know about fitting in so the next time you go to a big meetup with a bazillion other people.

1. You're a celebrity; act like it. You have a blog? You have a few hundred followers on Twitter? Well hell, you are a celebrity. Make sure you drop your @twittername when making reservations at the hotel. Being an Internet celeb has perks, dammit. You let everybody know it too. You deserve your free drinks and unlimited finger food.
2. Dominate every conversation. So we've established you're a celebrity but you have to work on your conversation skills. Obviously people wouldn't be talking to you if they didn't want to hear everything. Why deny them that privilege? If you are practiced in the art of conversation, you can take any topic and make it about you. Just deftly relate the topic to something you thought of in the shower. It works every time.
3. Act your age. All of us are arrested in some phase of our lives. Find your real age. No, not that sappy Oprah crap age based on how much grease is creeping its way to your heart. I mean your real age. That age where time stopped because Lizzie dumped you right after you were kicked off the football team for pissing on the bleachers during half time. Yeah, that age. You embody that age before you go to any karaoke bars.
4. Tweet while other people are talking. Why listen to somebody else's claptrap? If you have to relent to somebody else driving the coversation for a few seconds, make sure you take a picture with your phone and tweet about it. Make it clear only you can keep your attention. Include their @twittername in the tweet just in case they are as famous as you. If the other person is annoying you, then openly mock them.
5. Make sure you're an esoteric bandwagon snob. Beer, music, sports, it doesn't matter. Make sure you are on board with the latest meme, but also you think most people into it are morons. Only you know that hops from the Brazilian rain forests of Quebec make the best pilsner lager coffee porter. When it comes to music, all you need to is to drop this band name periodically: The Stone Roses. I don't know why, but it works every time.
6. Remove your wedding ring. At meetups, you have to make absolutely sure you come off as single and 20-something. This is really hard to do if you keep bringing up your wife and kids. Just don't. Nobody in Silicon Valley has kids, the government saw to that. You cannot come off as genuine if you talk about some Oompa-Loompas who only exist to drain your soul and prevent you from attending every other meetup.
7. You are the only one with a brand to sell. If you don't fully understand how important it is to sell your wares, you might as well stay at home and feed insects to your Venus flytrap. Create a perimeter around yourself that covers at least  three dozen earshots. Saturate said perimeter with your elevator pitch at regular intervals, similar to a tornado siren.

Now you know how to play the game. Go forth and network. I'm going to sit here and watch the #sxsw feed for a few hours.

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