Open Query Letter for My Own Business Book

Proposed Book Cover for I Challenge You To a Douche

I have an idea for a business book, but I'm really lazy. Sending off book proposals takes time and energy and follow-up and seems so last century. However, I have a burning desire to cash in on the whole business book thingy. I suppose I could write the book on spec, but that takes away from my Wii, Twitter, and beer drinking time. So then it struck me: I'll just write an open query letter and wait for the check. So here it is:

Dear all business book publishers in the whole world:

It is apparent that anybody can write a business book of some sort and it's common knowledge that sales of business books are directly proportional to the douchiness of their authors. Lately a strong trend toward massive cultural douchebaggery in the business world indicates there is a market for unapologetic douche books. I Challenge You To a Douche will be the sort of book to lay it all out there without the messy metaphors for dick behavior and excuses hidden behind corporate altruism.

Through extensive research conducted by my own passive observations, unapologetic douches are getting away with murder. While this is presently somewhat profitable, I believe the next trend will be how-to guides on how to piss off people and alienate oneself from friends and family, all for the sake of a buck. I can extrapolate trends from political book sales. Some of the biggest douches of our time are authoring best-selling books that are nothing more than agenda-driven manifestos intended to polarize people into one of two strict philosophical camps that exist solely for best-selling douches to exploit. Current American culture has already become jaded with politics and economics, so business books must ratchet up to the next level or they'll go unnoticed.

With social media on the rise, douchebaggery is at an all-time high. Business authors must be willing to whore themselves out to any and every conference, speaking engagement, presser, and influential cougar. Naturally as a yet unpublished author, I'm not running in those circles yet, but am willing to make an ass out of myself if it means I won't dry-rot in a cubicle until I deplete my half-life. I am more than willing to do press junkets, book tours, and even appear as a Fox News commentator (please provide details of mental health insurance coverage). I'll even do lesser known venues like PBS or MSNBC. Again, me=whore.

As for marketing the book, I am probably not the best model to put on the cover. My balding, bulbous head may confuse people into thinking the book is about the Death Star. I suggest  you ask Sean Hannity to model for me. Not only is he one of the biggest douchebags in modern society, but his hair somehow mesmerizes the wallet. His mountain of cash and over-saturation in all forms of media are a testament to his hypnotic do.

I have prepared an outline for the chapters to be included in I Challenge You to a Douche:

• Introduction by Bernie Madoff
• Chapter 1: Seven Habits To Make You Highly Affected
• Chapter 2: Getting Things Done is for Schmucks
• Chapter 3: The Toyota Way: 14 Ways to Cover-Up Mistakes
• Chapter 4: The Filth Discipline
• Chapter 5: Unleashing the Idea Anti-Virus
• Chapter 6: I Poisoned My Cheese and Left It For You to Find
• Chapter 7: Rich Dad, Poor Dad, Red Dad, Dead Dad
• Chapter 8: Beyond Baked Solid
• Chapter 9: The Tip of Your Point: How Little Things Can Be Mocked
• Chapter 10: What the Dog Humped

Like most modern business books, all research will be non-scientific and subjective to suit whatever point I'm trying to make. In addition the text of I Challenge You to a Douche will be laced with arrogant business jargon, meaningless graphs and charts, and anecdotes from my own experience that can't possibly apply to any other situation. However, upon completion the reader will feel good about being a douche and will shell out for my follow-up book: I Know Where Your Children Sleep: A Guide To Motivating People.

Please contact me if you feel you can rescue me from my Dilbert-esque existence. Checks must be in US dollars and contain lots of zeros.

You're Welcome,

MK Anderson

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